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what do i really want? now that is a question… as a dear friend, so in-love, have pointed out, i am a walking contradiction. i have to agree with her. good thing that slowly as time progresses, i am realizing what i want. but the thing is, i need to know NOW! it’s not that i have a bio-clock ticking inside me, but i am spiraling down into this abyss of loneliness that i need to know what i want… sounds to easy to know what you want? tell you frankly, it’s hard. i have been beating my head several times now… it’s hard!!!

well i did what i usually do when at work when i want to get things done. i have a list of all deliverables. assign people to do the tasks. perform gap analysis to achieve results. create risks analysis and a plan b just in case. but unlike work that is all black and white, my life is filled with gray matter in between. yeah, my brain spilled gray matter all around that it is mixed somewhere down my toes to my head.

life is never black and white. anyone who says otherwise is either fooling himself or haven’t live at all. don’t be confused, i am not complaining that it is so. i love it that way it is, throwing curve balls now and then to keep me in my toes. but i wish sometimes, just sometimes, that i get a heads up, a warning sign much like a light tower for things to come. for some, i shouldn’t be complaining, i should be grateful with the things i have. i am. i have great friends, a somewhat good job, i can afford the little luxury of life, a kick ass jazz collection. but somewhere between the tsongers and julia fordham singing girlfriend, i have this space in me. a space i used to think that the sweet sound of plastic swipping would fill. but alas, it didn’t do the trick…

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