onward

i still feel a little week, i get tired easily and i have this headache that doesn’t go away.  this after my 5 days of hospitalization. i contracted thypoid, dengue and-for the life of me, i dunno how i got this one-pneumonia. i want to say all is fine now, well i’m out of the hospital but i am still far from being top notch. good thing i was talked out of going to the office and opted to just work from home. and as i am typing this entry, i’m catching my every breath. i lost weight, i was unable to eat anything for 4 days. my taste was altered and my stomach just refused to intake anything, even medicine. i threw up twice at the hospital. all meds are through my iv. i don’t wanna be sick again. not like this…

very few people knew that i was sick. well of course the office and some really close friends.i don’t want to sensationalize my condition. but it really was a close call to death that i guess i was lucky enough to miss. i will not tire myself at work, at least i will try. work has piled up and my mailbox was full of it. it’s comforting in a way, my routine.lying in the hospital bed, forced me to think. about living alone, relationships, comfort and other random things. how much of me have i invested? really, how much of me is the needy type who can not live without other people? on my wake, how many will actually mourn my passing away because i matter to them? how many out there love me? not the need-love love, but real, no-reciprocal-needed love.

i envy dahon. we were alike, were the operating word. we guard ourselves, our emotions, our true intentions because we are afraid. me, i’m afraid to be hurt. afraid that after me baring myself, i’ll be more alone than ever. so i hide. guarded myself not to let anyone in. rose was able to break from her cocoon, me? i created another cocoon inside. it’s unhealthy but this is how i am now. years i have been trying to change things but…

maybe this is my medication talking, maybe my subconscious, hell i don’t know. but no amount of bag or shoes or italian clothes can make this go away. i have to face my demons now. and all i have are nice set of clothes to battle it with. God help me with this one…

sunset 

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